How Not To Be That Guy Part I
Written by Ric Chetter on January 24, 2017
We all know him. Hell, we’ve all been him at one point or another. And it’s not just a guy thing, there are plenty of ladies out there who have been that guy, as well. In our ongoing effort to help out humanity (as best as we can), Radio Memphis in the Morning started the ever immortal bit How Not To Be That Guy. It started innocently enough, when Ric got annoyed about something he saw in public.
Below, you’ll find Part I of the series as heard on the air. Just like Tips For Teens, Ric & Kate are already on Part IV. We’ll publish them all in due time. Until then, take a look at the list here and see if you or someone you know has done any of these things. Chances are, you’ll know exactly who That Guy is and in some cases, it’s probably you.
As our announcer will tell you every weekday at 12:50 PM CT (following The Nooner) at Radio Memphis in the Morning, “Life is hard, it’s even harder when you are being That Guy.”
That Guy I
If you feel the need to send a picture of your junk to someone, you are being that guy.
Smoking clove cigarettes in public? You are being that guy.
Waiving cash at the busy bartender like you deserve some special attention? Yup, you are being special and you are being that guy.
So much body spray, it brings “a tear to the eye”? You are being that guy.
Do you claim to live in “Murica”? You are being that guy.
Khaki shorts, pink plaid shirt and flip flops, everyday? You are being that guy.
We get it, you vape. And you are being that guy.
Enjoying that meat and three, behind the wheel of your car in traffic? You are being that guy.
Religious posts on Facebook followed by “woo we gonna get drunk tonight” posts. You are being that guy.
Bitching about a 5 dollar cover charge for your favorite band? You are being that guy.
If all you brought was a habit, you haven’t quit smoking and you are being that guy.
If your Facebook post ever starts with “I don’t care who you are, this is funny…”, it isn’t and you are being that guy.
Ordering off instead of from the menu at that nice restaurant? You are being that guy.
Blaming Monday for your shitty attitude? It’s not the day, it’s your job and you are being that guy.
If you have to look around the room before telling that joke, you are being that guy.
For the music fest, wear inappropriate footwear so we the rest of us know who that guy is.
If you ever say, “don’t you know who I am?” To anyone, you are being that guy.
Hey, name dropper. You are being that guy.
If you have to recite your resume to every person you meet, you are being that guy.
That joke you told at work today was funny to you, make sure you repeat the punch line 4 times to let everyone know you are being that guy.
Make sure your summer selfies are of your legs and feet so we all know you are being that guy.
It’s karaoke night and you are not Steve Perry. But, you are that guy.
If you decide to make a left turn from that right lane, you are being that guy.
Alex Jones is that guy. If you believe what he says, you are that guy, too.
You ordered that dish from the menu, ate half of it and sent it back. You are that guy.
Got plants growing in your gutters? You are that guy.
Borrowing a vacuum cleaner from your neighbor a lot? You are that guy.
Lawn maintenance at 7 AM on a Saturday? You are definitely that guy.
Circle that parking lot a few more times to find that spot close enough because you are that guy.
Got to haggle the price of that junk food at the convenience store? You are so that guy.
Make sure you place a complicated order in the drive through. That way all of us behind you know you are that guy.
If you are pushing the 15 items or less to 20 items or more in the checkout, you are being that guy.
It’s important for all of us to know where you stand politically without asking, that way we know who that guy is.
If my morals are of interest to you, then you are that guy.
If what Kate does with her vagina concerns you, you are that guy.
The shoulders of freeways are known as “that guy lanes”.
If you blindly add people to your Facebook group without asking, you are being that guy.
Driving through the city with your hazard flashers on lets everyone know you are being that guy.
Your cheap shit little Honda with the loud exhaust doesn’t make it go faster, it let’s everyone else know you are that guy.
Sharing clickbait posts? You are a bastard, and you are being that guy.
At the gas station? God help you if don’t pull up to the farthest pump. How else would we know you were not that guy?
Joint Facebook accounts with your spouse? You BOTH are being that guy.
Hey dude with the truck nuts. You are SO that guy.
We get it, you like selfies. Great, perhaps take them in another room aside from your bathroom, that guy.
Make sure you wear your sunglasses inside, after dark. That way we all know you are that guy.
You are on a date. You keep dealing with your phone. You are being that guy.
Please, for the love of God, take pictures of EVERY meal you eat so I know you are that guy.
If you wear the shirt of the band you are seeing, you are being that guy.
If the words “bro code” come out of your pie hole, you are being that guy.
If the words “pie hole” come out of your mouth, you are being that guy.
Thank God for Linked In. That shit is like the home of that guy.
No one give you a nickname? That’s alright, make one up for yourself. Go ahead and be that guy.
Don’t flush the public toilet. Be proud of what you left behind for the rest of us to envy, that guy.
Attempting to solve someone’s problem with “You know, back in the day…” Yeah man, you are being that guy. The same as you were “back in the day”.
If you bring cheap beer to a party and drink everyone else’s better beer, you are being that guy.
When you don’t proof read your meme, you are being that guy.
If you are having some drama in your life and want to take it to Facebook, make sure you leave out all the details. You vague booking that guy, you.
30 people die in any random mass shooting. You respond with, “no one is taking MY guns”. We get it, you are being that guy.
Ride your motorcycle all the way to that bike fest. You wouldn’t want to put it on a trailer and haul it up there like that guy does.
Hey, do us all a favor and listen to your music without your earbuds. That way we all know who that guy is.
Everyday this summer, take pictures of your car thermometer so I know how hot it is. And who is being that guy.
Bragging on Facebook about how offensive you claim to be is nothing more than a sign that says you are being that guy.
That Bluetooth thing on your head looks more like an air traffic controller’s head set. Are you talking to the leader of your people? At least we know you are being that guy.
If it takes you more than 2 attempts to back into that parking space for no particular reason, you are holding up traffic and you are being that guy.
Hey that guy, quit sharing false information and untrue stories on Facebook. Just because you agree with them doesn’t make this stuff true. And it makes you look like an ass.
Hey genius. Using a hashtag in a text message doesn’t work like you think it does. At least we know who that guy is that sent it.
Hey that guy with the giant off road truck you have never taken off road. Sorry about your tiny penis.
I know you are special but, you should take up as many parking spaces as you can so everyone around you knows you are that guy.
Cam girl friend requests are fun. Look at all those That Guys on “her” mutual friend’s list.
When you are at the bar later, take 5 bucks and put it into the jukebox. Then get 5 bucks of one favorite song over and over. This way, all of us in the bar know who that guy is.
A girl’s vague Facebook post is a sure fire way to attract posts from that guy.
Your fantasy football team is probably part of the National That Guy League.
Part II is coming soon. In the meantime, you can hear How Not To Be That Guy live every weekday at 12:50 PM CT on Radio Memphis.