Tips for Teens Part I

Written by on January 24, 2017

Part of Radio Memphis in the Morning is a little bit called Tips For Teens. At it’s core is the simple fact these tips are wholly inappropriate. However, there have been a few delivered where some of them actually were kind of accurate and perhaps warranted.

This little bit started quite some time ago and although we figured it wouldn’t last, we kept finding things to put out there. These bits actually aired already and we figured it would be nice to share the older ones as a little retrospective of what Radio Memphis in the Morning gets into.

The introduction to this bit comes in the form of our announcer with the following line, “It’s hard being a teenager and Radio Memphis is here to help. Here’s today’s Tip For Teens.”

Here is Part I of the series. Hint: Ric & Kate are already on Part IV.

Use at your own discretion. We aren’t responsible for the outcome of anyone using this advice.

Tips For Teens I

Smoking in fact, does make you look cool.

The definition of a nice girl is someone who will put it in for you.

When you go to your first party with other teenagers, remember, don’t bogart that joint. Oh, and don’t slobber all over it either.

Sending naked pictures of yourself to your crush is always a good idea.

What to take on your picnic date? Swipe some of mom’s gin. The girls love the smell and you’ll love what it does to her disposition.

A burrito is a suitable substitute for a date. The only difference is you eat it AFTER you date it.

Can’t get to second base? Give her another shot of tequila. The cheaper the better.

Hey ladies, mind your teeth. That ain’t a corn dog. And that ain’t mustard. It’s honey mustard.

Always compliment her mom. You never know, she might be your backup plan.

Crotch-less panties for her mom is always a good idea to win over her dad, sometimes.

Smoking menthol cigarettes is great way to hide that smell of whiskey.

Ladies, if you take your boy date to a chick flick, you’d better reward him appropriately. If he genuinely enjoyed the movie, you’re off the hook.

Guys just love blood and guts. Just not in person. You know what I am saying?

Hey guys, always hold the door open for yourself. She’s not that helpless.

Girls love a self centered man. Be the bastard, man. Be the bastard.

If you catch your boyfriend looking at porn, don’t be mad. Join in, he could always use an extra hand.

Hey guys, before a date make sure to rub some Old Spice aftershave on your junk. It’s irresistible.

You may never admit it, but all girls are just one cocktail away from a lesbian moment.

Nothing freshens the breath quite like vodka.

A joint is always welcomed on the first date.

By the third date, panties are optional.

Ladies, buy the rubbers. He won’t because he’s a chicken.

If he smells like Axe body spray, he hasn’t bathed and he’s expecting to get laid.

If she dumps you, she’s a slut, no matter what. If he dumps you, he’s nothing more than a bastard. It just works out that way. Sorry ladies.

If he smells like gasoline, shut up. He’s supposed to. If he smells like beer, shut up, he’s supposed to.

You are the reason why mom smells like bourbon.

He may claim to be nine inches. You know like the nine inches it is from here to Dallas.

Does it hurt the first time? In ways you could never imagine.

Better out than in. Do you understand? You will if you think about that, “mommy”.

His dad could care less about you. Her dad, he’ll gladly commit murder. Never forget that.

Drinking wine from a glass is classy and sexy. Drinking wine straight from the bottle is downright gorgeous.

Flowers are so uncool. Really wanna get her attention? Dildos. The bigger the better.

All older women love to be called “bitch” every once in awhile.

No means no. That’s important. Yes always means maybe, that is more important. Unless of course, you’re a guy.

If another girl is vying for your boyfriends attention. Never tell him that she is a slut. Instead say something like, “ I hear she really likes babies.”

While having dinner with her family and you are given a split roast beef sandwich, looking at it and saying, “Well THAT looks familiar.” Is not good table conversation.

If she says, “We need to talk.” Call her mom. Especially if her mom is kind of hot.

If it hurts when you pee, somebody will have some explaining to do.

Deny everything. To everyone.

Whatever number of lovers she says she’s had, multiply by 2. What ever number he claims, divide by 2. That’s the law of man. Tough titties, sweetheart.

Herpes always goes away. It always comes back. Think of it as a souvenir of your time together.

Despite what you might think, masturbating in public is actually rather horrifying.

Dry humping is wrong on so many levels. This goes for the two of you.

Her fat friend could be an interesting addition to an evening, that is if everybody agrees and everyone keeps their mouths shut. His fat friend, well, you’re just a whore.

Pot is always great at a party. Want to get out of trouble with Mom? Bring some home.

Nothing says love like a quick trip through the drive through. What am I thinking. The only thing you love is either Call of Duty or Unicorns.

So, he’s shorter than you. Does that make any difference when you are both lying down?


Part II coming soon. In the meantime, you can hear the bit every weekday morning live at 10:20 AM CT on Radio Memphis.

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